What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?

This is soul school!.

Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.

I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.

Is the saying "nice guys finish last" true? Can good intentions always lead to positive outcomes?

He resisted the act ,that day.

One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.

The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..

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He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!

He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!

She found it foreign!.

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He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.

For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)

They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?

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I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers

We all went to grammer schools

My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.

Why are people with borderline personality disorder so capable of ripping someone apart with their words?

He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.

We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.

She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!

Do you think the beginning of movies is often better than the rest of the film? Is this a common opinion or do others share this view?

We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!

But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .

I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.

Can a twin flame runner be happy in a karmic relationship?

He was dying to do it , i knew.

I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .

I couldn’t, believe it.

Why do Indian guys love Russian girls?

I did it because my mum asked me too!

I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.

I was seconnd youngest,

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As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!

But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !

That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.

Do snipers lay on top of tank turrets during combat?

I said to her

I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.

He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.

I think the readers, may guess!

They are buried together, in the same grave..

She loved him until the end.

I was writing from the time i was a small child.

I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.

She was in good health!

One cannot hold on to bitterness.

My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!

I waited trembling.

All the time i was locked up.

He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.

I was 9 years of age.

She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!

But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,

Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.

.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them

Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years

Ive learnt so much.

I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.

But, we were locked up after school.

I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!

She was a women, a mother with her own children!.

Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!

I never cut or harmed myself..

My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.

And, all my friends down the years ,where users.

Why did i forgive my father ?

I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.

Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.

You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .

Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t

Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)

Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.

Would this be the day?

I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!

Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life

I could never make a relationship work though!

And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .

It was going to be , some day.

I was very sick at this time too.

But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!

I don,t even have a pension.

And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!

Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.

Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.

As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)

It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.

So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.

When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!

I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.

At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.

I had hoped to write a book about this .

She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.

So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.

Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!

I suffer greatly, because of BPD..

Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.

But im an empath, and i help lots of people.

Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.

I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)

He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.

Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.

Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?

Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.

Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.

I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.

Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..

I write beautiful poetry .

19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.

The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.

Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.

And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!

And i lived it daily.

She wouldn,t have been !

Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.

The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,

It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.

Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.

Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..

We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.

Im dying but, im not bitter.

My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.

And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!

So, i spoilt her more .

She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.

I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.

As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.

He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!

What did i know ?

BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.

I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.

(And it was in our own minds.)

My family never makes their pension either.

She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!

Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.

As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!

He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .

His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.

Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!

The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!

His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!

And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!

You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.

Another so called friend had bit the dust..

But im dying ,and its too late for me.

He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!

Comes on , in middle age.

Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..

As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.

Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.

My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.

But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!

She married twice! .

So whats the point in blame.

My life is so biszare .

Thats was my nicest nick name for him

But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!

Put me off passion for life!!

I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor

One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.

He knew the spot.

Its mostly always from childhood abuse .

On the 31st of Jan this month .

We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..

A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.

Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..

I was scared of men, in general

But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).

I have no regrets .

This is how, and why children get BPD.

I of course replied” arh beautiful!

Who then, do I blame.?

We were not on the streets..

And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.

5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.

Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.

Where the ultimate outsiders.

Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!

We could never speak unless he spoke to us!

Im still living with it.

Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.

Especially a lifetime of it.

But it wasn’t much.

Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other

She died at 55 of colon cancer.

The only rule us 5 kids had .

My mum and dad in the seventies!

My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .

I will be 64.

But ive been too sick for many years..

Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!

Was to survive, this bastard.

And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)

One cannot live in the past .

When she asked me how she looked .

And who doesn’t know suffering?

I might have to go back 30 generations or more..

I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.

As i do to all so called friends.?

With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.

Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.

One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)

I know ,a lot about trauma.

He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!

But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.

Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.

Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.